Ladies Who Crunch!

Having walked this earth for as long as I have, I feel like I have a strut going and maybe even a jog so I like to generalize. And because now the greys in my hair make my scalp dry and itchy, I dispense these generalizations as gyan. Here, is my latest kernel of wisdom - all institutions are microcosms of the world. Every city, every workplace, every culture thinks they are unique but in reality the uniqueness pales in comparison to the globality. For this instance, I'll talk about the gym.

Every gym in every part of the world has the same characters. I've been gymming/zumbaing/body pumping and swimming in 3 continents and I've seen some trends. Now these are my observations, and it has to be said that I'm no Sherlock but I could make these deductions only because I don't interact with anybody at the gym and when I'm not yapping I'm just finding an excuse to roll my eyes in my head.

Let's start with the obvious then. The yappers. They could be the lovey dovey couple doing weights, two girl friends on a fitness streak or two aunties rowing next to each other. Not to mention the men who rambunctiously just stand in the middle of the big exercise tower and back slap each other at 7 in the morning. I just can't wrap my head around people being so normal in the morning that they can socialize whilst lifting weights and walking on the treadmill. How is it a work out, if you can have a whole convo about your favourite TV show? The only people worse than yappers, are the ones who talk to someone else on their phones. I once saw a man do sit ups like serious ones and he didn't break a sentence. Who is available to talk to these folks while they workout? can they stop? Staring and giving them the evil eye doesn't work. Ditto with the friendly yappers. If you stare at them , they just start talking about you.

Since it's a gym, there are those movers and shakers that have drippy towels and bizarre paraphernalia. These guys will occupy 5 machines at once because they're doing a circuit or whatever. They look you dead in the eye, if you even think of doing a set on their 'water bottle' marked equipment. Oh and they also have a mat with 6 blocks because pulling weights, pushing weights, lifting weights, rolling weights is not enough. They have to get down and stretchy and then restart it all. I avoid them like the plague.

The guys/gals I like, are the ones who find a corner and keep at it. They squat, lunge, stretch, lift, resist, fly, jump, breathe, all in one corner. They have their mats and equipment around them and then dutifully put it all back. They will lift a million kilos, drop to the pigeon pose, skip, pull them selves up, just everything. All they ask for is, the mirror. Just a mirrored spot where they can admire their own exertions. Superb people!

Up until now we're just talking about you know, folks who come in to exercise on their own. The other set are the ones who hire physical trainers. If in 2025, you have a physical trainer - you're a loser. I'm aware it's a controversial statement. Now. it's one thing to have someone come and teach you the ropes. Gyms are extremely intimidating. So a couple of days is fine. But week after week? The poor trainer has to keep a record of how many lunges you did, help you tie your ankle straps and high five you every time you lift a barbell? Like puhleaze. No one needs that. Unless you're a bimbo actress, who can't tell if it's time for her to gulp some water or wipe her brow. Or if she needs someone to tell her that when she is cycling in the gym she won't go anywhere. For others, there is Youtube, there are podcasts, there is SO much literature about what and how you should exercise. But if you still hire a trainer, you're just not into fitness or just want to emulate the rich.

The one group of people I feel really sorry about are the overweight or maybe older folks. Especially when they hire a trainer. I can see the men just being anguished and putting up with the bends and lifts. But I don't see them that often. The female demographic is more prevalent. Usually with a young guy trainer, who has never been fat, old or a woman. He probably has never looked at a fat woman. These ladies are eager to please. They are eager to surrender and let this muscular hulk, teach them how to shed the pounds and be healthy. But the hulk? Invariably, puts them through boot camp. Honestly, I have never seen an overweight person just doing the elliptical or treadmill or a simple 'touch your toe' stretch. NOPE. Its, the squat jumps - why? WHo came up with that anyways? The stepping on high benches and stepping down. Like why? I don't know what these exercises are called. The horrendously embarrassing leg raises, or carrying a big weighted rod overhead and walking with it. Why? I once saw a young guy make this out of shape and breath 50 sth. year old lady push that cart. That cart with weights. What on earth was he thinking?

Women, who motivate themselves to get out of their shells and come exercise have taken a bold step. They didn't get bent out of shape, so they can't get bent into shape. I've been there. Being inflated, takes a lot of bags of chips, a lot of anxiety and a lot of loneliness. It's got nothing to do with being lazy. Most fat women, work harder than their skinny counterparts and since they do it so selflessly, they don't take care of themselves. The skinny-fat woman is another rant for another day (along with the ones who wear make-up and salmon coloured tights that have a ruched seam on their bottom). So yeah, when a lady in her mid-life decides to 'fix' herself - weighted lunges are not the solution. First she needs understanding, gentleness and then a bit of pampering. that is her motivation. Why? Because if she has seen herself go out of shape, she hasn't been understanding, gentle or kind to herself. Just make her walk on the treadmill for 30 mins and have a croissant with her. Make her touch her toes - while seated. So she can paint her toe nails. That should be the goal. She doesn't need to lift 30 pounds above her head, let her just be able to unhook her bra from behind. Instead of burpees, just sit cross legged on the floor with the woman and chat with her. I bet she can't sustain it for more than a few minutes, but she can work on that. The trainer can work on it. Ah but it's not worth the money. Boot camp won't solve her issues either, she'll just quit. And feel like a total utter failure. Mercifully, I see ozempic everywhere and I'm hoping we ladies make the best use of it. Better than bimbo actresses who don't need it.

I know the gym is seen as a place to meet people and make friends and even fall in love. But really? Like really? There is nothing attractive or friendly about people staring at their own body parts in the mirror. Much less when they are straining, sighing, heaving and grunting. Recently, because of the cool song in my ear I caught myself doing a little jig in the mirror. I was shocked. I looked like a tired, homeless woman having a stroke and losing control of her limbs. Embarrassed, I looked around and everyone was in various stages of undress and dishevelment and best kept away from.